whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
