Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
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