I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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