I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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