So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
