I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
