I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
