capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
