My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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