At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
