I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
