I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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