The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
