wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize