dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
