Midget sex pt 2 tonight
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
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