I wanna bring you to show and tell
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
