So drunk its hurt
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
