I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
