Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
