Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
