Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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