Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
this hospital has no fireball
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
