Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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