Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
