I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I can't put those talents on a resume
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
