So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Randomize
