took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
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