Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
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