life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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