In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
and you said cock pushups were impossible
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
