Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
