love makes seman taste better
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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