apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
