Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
