The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
