Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I deserve this hangover.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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