i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
