He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
