Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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