he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
