I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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