you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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