we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Please don't give away my fajitas
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
