I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
