I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Randomize