I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
