Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
