just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize