i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
