Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
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