If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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