fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
