another moral hangover. fuck.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
