So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
