Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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