Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
